Something to Keep Me Going

One of my wonderful friends on my August forum posted the below poem the other day:

I am a religious person and my faith in what God means when He gives people certain challenges has kept me going through this ordeal.
What do I think God meant when He gave me Infertility?
I think He meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper.
I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down.
I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols.
I think God meant for us to find a cure for Infertility.
No, God never meant for me to not have children.
That's not my destiny, that's just a fork in the road I'm on.
I've been placed on the road less traveled, and like it or not, I'm a better person for it.
Clearly, God meant for me to overcome my devastation, guilt and sorrow in order to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution and I haven't let Him down.
Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

Author Unknown

We walked into our marriage knowing we would have to do IVF.  This has NOT helped us during the dark times of this long, hard process that no one will understand if they have not fought through it.  There is a reason, however, for where we are in our journey.  We have a stronger marriage and love each other more because of it.  God meant for us to go through it and, hopefully, this next round He will find that we have grown enough for the next step of our journey and complete our family.  Whatever this next round brings, I know it will happen when it is meant to.

The last part of the above poem reminded me of one that another forum friend (I don't know what I would do without these girls!) posted on her blog in July:

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother:

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

~Author Unknown 

One day this poem will be adapted to my situation, printed, and framed in my baby's nursery.  Until then, I will be strong and carry on.

  

Start of IVF Cycle 2

The next plan is in place.  I spoke with Dr. Saffan and Debbie on Monday and we're getting this show on the road.  I started birth control pills again on Tuesday and will be on those for 17 days and go for my pre-IVF evaluation on 9/14.  The hope is that there is no cyst, meaning I did not ovulate.  If there is a cyst, I'm not sure if that means more birth control or what.  Fingers crossed I don't have to find out.  If there is no cyst, I start my stim drugs on Monday, 9/17.

I'm taking Gonal-F and Menopur again this round and will be taking both every night in varying doses until trigger.  About 5-6 days before trigger, I'll be adding Ganirelix to keep me from ovulating and releasing all those follicles that I'm trying to build up with the other drugs.  Then, it's HCG trigger shot 36 hours before egg retrieval, starting Estrace and Endometrin, and embryo transfer 3 or 5 days after the retrieval.  Piece of cake, right?

Actually, I am calmer this time around.  I know what to expect.  In other words, I know to expect nothing.  Nothing goes according to the estimated plan, you never know when you're going for your next appointment, and anything can put a kink in the plans.  I'm taking it one appointment at a time right now.  Of course, the one that I'm most worried about is the pre-IVF evaluation because the first time around Dr. Saffan thought the BCPs would not keep me from ovulating because of early ovulation.  But, the Lupron is out of the question (thank goodness)!!!  Basically, Dr. Saffan thinks that it's nasty ol' Lupron's fault that things haven't worked out so far.  While it is supposed to suppress and slow the system, it basically stopped my system.  So the quantity and quality of the eggs that were retrieved were not ideal.  At least something was learned during the first round of IVF and we can move forward making changes where necessary.

I talked to Freedom Fertility Pharmacy yesterday and my big box of goodies for this round will be delivered next Friday (9/7).  I have enough Endometrin from the last two rounds that I didn't need any more.  Figures though that the one I need is only a $50 co-pay out of the over $3,000 we'll spend on drugs this round...

I'm actually looking forward to starting the stims this time around.  Maybe because I feel like I'm not doing anything again when just on BCPs.  I know I felt like this during BCPs with my FET, so I shouldn't be surprised.  Thank goodness for the daily conversations on my August FET forum.  It keeps me sane.  I also joined the October IVF forum.  The schedule Debbie gave me put my ET either in late September or early October, but knowing how things can be delayed I just went straight to October in my mind.  I'll either be pleasantly surprised, or right on track.

My acupuncturist is on vacation, but once she gets back I plan to go for weekly appointments again.

No Fro-yo

We've had another disappointing round.  This time, however, we didn't need to wait the full two weeks, we got to find out a few hours before our transfer time.  Our lone fro-yo didn't survive the thaw.  Only 60% of the cells survived and they have had 0% success for anything below 80%.  So, the transfer was cancelled, I stopped all medications, and I talk to my doctor on Monday afternoon when he gets back from his vacation.

Surprisingly, I'm at peace with it all.  Since Monday, something has been telling me that this round is not going to work.  Now I know it was God prepping me for today so that I could be here for Dennis.  Because this time, he's the one that it's affecting more.  It amazes me how there really is such a great give-and-take in our relationship and we can be there for each other when we need it the most.

We're starting with a clean slate.  New eggs, new embryos, less stress as we now know what we're walking into.  We have a stronger marriage now then we did four months ago and we wouldn't be there if not for the heartache.  I'm glad we know now rather than two weeks from now.  I will hold our baby in our arms someday and will fell that much more grateful and blessed then I would if we had not gone through all of this.  I am stronger and this WILL work.  It is not a "never" answer from God, it's a "not now."

I will spend the next few months enjoying life with my still less-than-a-year husband as the newlyweds that we truly are.  We will laugh, we will gather memories, and I'm sure the next round of hormones will have us arguing on occasion which will allow us to love each other and forgive and grow even stronger.

Music Therapy

I went to the Kenny Chesney/Tim McGraw concert on Sunday with friends and it made me think about other concerts I've gone to in my life.  So, as I was painting the hallway Tuesday I put Audio Adrenaline on my iPod since I hadn't listened to that playlist in a while.  I've been to two of their concerts and I love their music.  I heard "Get Down" and have now listened to it multiple times since then because I think it's what I need to hear right now and be reminded that God is going to pull me through all of this until we have our little miracle at home with us. I put the lyrics below and a link to the You Tube video and highlighted the section that has been going over and over in my mind this week.

"Get Down"

Lavishly our lives are wasted
Humbleness is left untasted
You can't live your life to please yourself, yeah
That's a tip from my mistakes
Exactly what it doesn't take
To win you've got to come in last place
To live your life you've got to lose it
And all the losers get a crown

[CHORUS:]
I get down and He lifts me up
I get down and He lifts me up
I get down and He lifts me up
I get down

All I need's another day
Where I can't seem to get away
From the many things that drag me down, yeah
I'm sure you've had a day like me
Where nothing seems to set you free
From the burdens you can't carry all alone
In your weakness He is stronger
In Your darkness He shines through
When you're crying He's your comfort
When you're all alone, He's carrying you

[CHORUS]

This valley is so deep
I can barely see the sun
I cry out for mercy, Lord
You lift me up again

I'm not alone in any of this... no matter how much I might feel that way at times.

 

Back on Track

Yesterday's appointment had my lining at 10.2 which is great!  My FET has been rescheduled for Friday, August 24.  For meds, I'm continuing Vivelle and Estrace and adding Endometrin on Monday the 20th.

For better or worse, I'm starting to feel really optimistic again.  To the point that I even want to this website and figured out what my estimated due date would be if we get a BFP (Big Fat Positive) this time around.  It would be a 5-day embryo (blast) transfer on August 24 which makes the due date May 12.  Funny thing is that May 13 is Jacob's birthday.  What better gift then to give him a sibling for his 11th birthday... and probably a really nice gift to go with it to make up for the fact that he's now sharing his birthday time every year!!!   :)

I'm excited, I'm scared, and I'm starting to be really hopeful again.  We'll know for sure if this is a possibility with first Beta test on September 6th.  I've decided to telecommute that day just in case.  If it's negative, I won't want to be around people.  If it's positive I can hang up the phone and dance around my house in excitement rather than being stuck in the office.

Counting down the days to August 24th and September 6th!!!

Minor Setback

So, we had a minor setback yesterday.  I went in for my lining check and it's only 6-7mm and it needed to be 8mm or greater.  I added Estrace to the drug regimen 2x per day and go back in for another check tomorrow (Wednesday).

This also means that the transfer can't happen on Friday.  If my lining does thicken to where they need it to be, then they will TRY to reschedule for some time in the next two weeks, but Debbie said that it depends on if there's any openings in the FET schedule because it is cramped.  Ugh!  So frustrated for so many reasons.

I feel like my body just gave me a big old middle finger by not cooperating with the drugs.  This was supposed to be the easy, stress-free cycle in comparison to an IVF cycle.  Yep, not so much.  Now I have to worry about whether or not my body is going to respond to the increased meds and whether or not it will even fit into the schedule.  Aargh!  I feel so defeated...  I don't want to wish bad results on anyone, but the best possibility for me having a transfer this month is if someone else's transfer is cancelled.

I'm praying the Estrace and Vivelle kick in and my lining increases for tomorrow morning and that somehow magic can be worked in the schedule and it all works out.

Disney Truths

I'm a BIG Disney fan and had tons of videos on VHS.  I'm slowly trying to build my DVD/Blue-Ray collection.  I'm also a member of Disney Movie Rewards and a fan of them on Facebook.  Today they posted the following picture and I thought it was so appropriate!

Our little miracle is just taking a little time, but we will appreciate our child that much more when it does happen for us!

Alternative Therapy

So, as you know, I started acupuncture.  Along with that I'll be trying some other things this cycle that might seem a bit out there.  I usually don't take much stock in this sort of thing, but I'm willing to try anything that won't harm me or potential baby.

So here's the list of things I'm trying -
1) baby aspirin every day until BETA to help with circulation
2) I read to wear socks on your feet to help with circulation - you don't want cold feet!  So, during bed rest my toes will be in toasty socks
3) acupuncture (already mentioned)
4) meditation CD - I bought a CD on meditations for medicated fertility that is supposed to help with meditation and imagery to help with implantation
5) pineapple core - it is believed that Bromelain, concentrated mostly in the core of the pineapple, helps with implantation - see this page - so I will be eating 1/5 of the pineapple core starting the day of transfer
6) my new moonstone ring - moonstone is supposed to help with emotional balance - see page - I was browsing this just yesterday and decided to not pay money for a "fertility bracelet" and then got home and Jacob had bought me a moonstone ring when he was at the science center for Ripkin baseball camp.  How appropriate.  Plus, since it's from him I have another excuse to wear it every day.  Love that kid!!!  Maybe he'll have helped in some small way to getting a brother or sister!

Who knows if any of this stuff will work, but why not give it a try!  Although, when I do get pregnant (optimism, optimism, optimism), I won't know what to thank for it!

Premed FET Appointment

I had my premed FET appointment today and everything's where it should be.  Yay!!!  So, I started the estrogen patches today.  I have two on currently which will be replaced in two days.  This will continue into pregnancy (fingers crossed) but prior to the transfer they will increase the "dosage" to three patches and even four patches, but will be back to two after the transfer.

This cycle is so different from IVF, there's a lot more waiting around.  I don't know if that's better or worse for my emotions.  It's nice not to be on pins and needles constantly until you hear what the next step is, but I also feel like I'm not doing anything to help the cause.  It's weird.  I have joined a forum online and chatting with others going through IVF and FET in August is helping.  I'm not the only one dealing with this and we can all complain to each other.  I think I've needed this support.

We had a frustrating night last night.  Debbie apparently forgot to tell us that we needed to sign different consent forms for an FET that needed to be signed by Dennis and I in front of a nurse or notary before this morning's appointment.  The only problem is that she called me about this at 5:30 last night!  Um, hello, not helpful!!!  When I called back I got her voicemail and then started panicking.  I knew they could cancel the cycle if forms weren't signed and we had no way to sign them.  Luckily she stuck around waiting for my call and actually stayed in the office until we could get there to sign the forms.  I'll be honest, if she had not apologized up and down and stated that it was her fault, I would have been asking for a different nurse today.  As it is, it was all taken care of and everything went smoothly today.

I also started another round of acupuncture today, this time with someone who is covered by insurance.  She wants me to continue to exercise (Dennis and I have been walking lately in the evenings), stop all alcohol even though it's before transfer (there goes drinking at the softball tournament!), continue with no caffeine, and cut back on raw foods (salads, etc.).  I'll try whatever I can...  I'm going to see her again next Wednesday, the day before transfer, and the Monday after transfer.

The next appointment is the Monday before the transfer (8/13) so until then it's patches and praying...