Coming off of Anti-Depressants

So, first official steps of this journey have happened. I filled out tons of paperwork on Friday for the two consults that we have on March 9, and I went to get a physical. The latter is significant because we also discussed coming off of my anti-depressant, which started on Sunday. I was on 40 mg so the tapering off is as follows:

30 mg/day for 2 weeks
20 mg/day for 2 weeks
10 mg/day for 2 weeks
10 mg every other day for 2 weeks

My last time taking medication will be on April 21, the day of my brother's wedding - cue the waterworks! I'm scared as all get out because of how I might treat people. The last time I came off of anti-depressants was not pretty and multiple people told me I needed to be taking them again because I became a royal jerk. Of course, the situation was different. My first month off of the anti-depressants I broke up with my boyfriend and lost my job - not really a good environment for stabilizing your mood!

I had a discussion with Jacob about all of this on Friday evening, explaining to him that I had to come off of medicine that helped me not feel panicked and sad and that because of it I might be a lot more cranky. I want him to understand that if I yell at him more or seem upset that it's not him. His response - "Don't worry April, I can always make you smile. I'll just have to do it more." I hope it's that simple. My desire is that when I take things out on him that Dennis will pull him aside and remind him of this conversation so that he doesn't take it as personally. I hope that I can treat Jacob and Dennis the way they deserve to be treated throughout this entire process...

The Start of This Process

I don't know if I'll ever make this subjournal live for people to read or if it will just be for my own thoughts. Dennis and I are starting the IVF process soon to complete our family. I have always dreamed of being a mother and since he has had a vasectomy, we don't get to do things the "normal" way. Does this bother me sometimes? Yes. However, I knew this getting into our marriage and the positives and thought of this process outweigh the negatives of being normal. Who's really normal anyway? I've tried to be very open with my friends and family about our desire to start IVF treatments, but that doesn't make the pseudo-scared and panicky feelings go away. What if it doesn't work? How will coming off of my anti-depressant affect me? How will my body and emotions react to hormone therapy? The what-ifs and questions are never ending. I'm sure that's the case for any other mother-to-be trying to get pregnant, but I will never know the same questions and feelings about that aspect of getting pregnant that all my friends have. We have our first consults with two different infertility centers on March 9th and that will officially get the process started I guess! We are going to meet with doctors from Shady Grove Fertility and the Virginia Center for Reproductive Medicine. Until then it's just trying not to think about it, eat healthy, exercise, and fill out a TON of paperwork.